


Let Me Let You Go

by pale_morning_sings_of_forgotten_things



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: And an ending that's a little cheesy but yeah, And wants peace, Angst, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Canonical Character Death, Family Feels, First War with Voldemort, Fix-It of Sorts, Good Regulus Black, Horcruxes, Just a miniscule amount of fluff, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, POV Regulus Black, POV Sirius Black, Protective Older Brothers, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus and Sirius meet before Regulus dies because I wanted them to, Regulus is tired, Siblings, Sirius and Regulus make up, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, a little fluff, also some swearing, sorry about that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:29:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22649452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pale_morning_sings_of_forgotten_things/pseuds/pale_morning_sings_of_forgotten_things
Summary: Regulus and Sirius meet a summer night in 1979.Regulus gives Sirius his research and Sirius slowly understands what his brother is about to do.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Comments: 31
Kudos: 325





	Let Me Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [让我放你走](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25032154) by [Shadowzfc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowzfc/pseuds/Shadowzfc)



> So there’s a lot of stories on here already that are very similar to this one, so this isn’t original in any way, and I know it’s illogical for Sirius and Regulus to meet on a train of all places and there’s probably lots of other plot holes but I just saw earlier today an edit of Tom Sturridge as Regulus Black (although I really, really like Timothée Chalamet as Regulus Black too) with clips of him from some movie where he’s on a train and I got inspired lol. 
> 
> But yeah, unoriginal but hopefully not crappy. I just love Regulus and Sirius angst so much and I know all stories don’t have a good ending but how Sirius never knew what Regulus did and how they never made up is infuriating to me so I just wanted to write something myself. 
> 
> Written in the middle of the night instead of sleeping and I don't have any beta so beware of any spelling and/or grammatical errors. English is not my first language and so maybe I'll use that as an excuse too, we'll see haha
> 
> ALSO: the lovely @Shadowzfc has translated this piece to Chinese which you can find here if anyone's interested ♡: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25032154

* * *

Regulus sits alone in the empty railway wagon. It’s not the Hogwarts Express, but a muggle one, parked for the night as the traffic becomes less frequent during the small hours. All trains aren’t needed.

Instead of compartments, there’s just seats in rows, a corse blue fabric covering them. It smells like dust and the blue is a little matted down with grey. Regulus from a couple of years ago wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about how dirty they were. Regulus now can’t find it in him to care.

Suddenly, the fluorescent lights in the wagon flickers and a young man stands in front of him, wand pointed at his chest. Regulus doesn’t even flinch, but sits still in his blue seat and looks up at Sirius, inspecting him.

His black hair is even longer, almost reaching his shoulders now. His outfit makes him pass for a muggle; a leather jacket, a pair of those denim sorts of trousers, a t-shirt with some band on it and that certain type of boot, that if Regulus remembers correctly, is called Dr Martens.

Regulus has always been good at paying attention to details, so he himself has successfully dressed as a muggle too to discreetly pass through London. This isn’t the case for most wizards who end up dressing quite oddly when trying to fit in. Sirius however, manages really well, even though he’s always been less attentive than Regulus. He’s probably indulged in muggle things since he left home, Regulus thinks. Maybe especially after Hogwarts, when magic and the magical lifestyle could be as present or non-present as you wanted it to.

Regulus can imagine Sirius listening to muggle music, dressing like this every day, watching that box thing — _telly_ — for hours and drinking muggle alcohol.

Sirius’ jaw tenses as he adjusts the grip on wand. He lifts it a little, pointing it at Regulus head instead. His grey eyes are bright with anger and despise, but Regulus thinks he sees something else in them too, something conflicting.

***

Regulus stares at Sirius and Sirius stares back, gaze hard. He hasn’t seen his brother in three years, not since his Hogwarts days, when he was 17 and Regulus 15. Now he’s 20 and Regulus 18 and it shows.

Sirius knows he’s changed; mostly in the way he carries himself. He’s made an effort to change his way of dressing, a part of him knows that he subconsciously chooses whatever would infuriate his mother Walburga the most, although he’ll never admit that. He has also grown out his hair even more, which his mum would hate too. He also knows he’s less pale these days — not spending his time enclosed in either Hogwarts or Grimmauld Place 12 — and he’s also more fit since he spends less time sitting down trying to study or concentrate in class. These days he longs for sitting on his arse and having a beer, but Dumbledore keeps sending him out on missions for the Order.

Regulus, however, has grown up. He can already tell that his little brother is quite a lot taller, despite that fact that he’s sitting down. His shoulders has to be a good bit broader as well, because even though Sirius can’t exactly say how broad they were before, Regulus certainly didn’t look this much like a fully grown adult, albeit a young one at that. His face is also less round and more angular and terrifyingly alike his own, to Sirius’ dismay. (Sirius has always been praised for his good looks, and although he pretends not to care, it stings a little realising that he’s nothing special really, because there’s another person out there that looks the same.)

He also realises that Regulus is wearing muggle clothes too, and although they’re a lot less out there than Sirius’, it’s something he thought his brother wouldn’t be caught dead in.

There’s something special in Regulus’ grey eyes, and Sirius has always had trouble interpreting his brother’s expressions — sometimes Regulus truly seemed to have the emotional range of a brick — but this look in his eyes, Sirius has no idea how to read. He doesn’t know at all what it means, but he also knows that it’s _different_.

”I’m not here to hurt you,” is the first thing his little brother says and Sirius — already, within two minutes of appearing — feels a spark of annoyance in his chest.

Regulus is talking to him like he’s a kid and Sirius is actually the older one, the one with a back bone who actually dared to stand up to their parents, the one who joined the Order of the Phoenix, instead of the Death Eaters only because it was _easier_. The one who didn’t let himself be talked into something so horrid as that and followed his own moral compass, so Sirius thinks it’s a little uncalled for.

”Stand up,” Sirius speaks through gritted teeth, nodding to the aisle in front of him and next to the seats Regulus is sitting in. Because he can’t see past Regulus’ chest, so he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his hands, or if he has something in his lap.

His wand doesn’t waver, at all, and is still pointed at his brother’s head. His doesn’t want to believe that his brother could hex him — or even worse, kill him — but he’s a death eater and they haven’t talked for three years so Sirius would be dumb to make such assumptions.

Regulus holds up his hands in surrender, and while Sirius hadn’t ordered it, it calms him just a little, which he’s secretly grateful for. Then he stands up to his full height and while he is tall, Sirius notes with content that he isn’t taller than himself.

***

Regulus keeps his eyes trained on Sirius as he stands up and begins to shuffle out of the seat and into the aisle. He notices that Sirius is starting to look a little… _contented?_

”What are you smiling for?” Regulus asks, and although his brother hadn’t really been smiling per se, his face seemed to light up.

Although it drops once Regulus points it out.

”I wasn’t—,” Sirius begins to point out, tone annoyed. ”Nothing.”

Regulus scoffs softly, and then steps out in front of Sirius hands still in the air.

”You can take my wand, if you want. If you don’t believe me when I say I won’t use it,” Regulus states, letting his eyes dart down to where his wand is sticking out of the inner pocket of his jacket, so that Sirius will see, since he can’t point.

”Excuse me if _I don’t,_ ” Sirius says bitterly as he slowly takes a step towards him, and then another, before he’s close enough to reach out his arm and grab the wand. ”But you can’t blame me.”

Then he backs away again, but Regulus notes that he doesn’t go back to his original spot, but stays a little closer. He wonders briefly if it’s a conscious decision from Sirius, or not.

”So, spit it out,” Sirius presses then, tone hard.

He is really trying to keep up a cold, stern demeanour. Regulus knows he’s angry, no doubt, and he’s very sure that Sirius actually does hate him, but he can also tell that Sirius is enhancing all of this, almost to the point of exaggeration.

”I have some important information,” Regulus begins, making sure he’s got his brother’s attention.

It’s also because he needs a moment to brace himself, because when he says this out loud there’s no going back. Sure, he’s rehearsed this many times before — he’ll never let Sirius know that though — but he’s still worried that the words will get stuck in his throat.

” _You_ coming to _me_ with information? What does your death eater friends think of that?” Sirius asks, equal measure of sarcasm and confusion in his dry voice.

His hostility towards Regulus is even worse now than it was at Hogwarts, Regulus decides. Maybe it’s easier when you haven’t seen the person in so long. When you only hear second hand information of what the person has done now. When Sirius has had all the time in the world to make up the worst image of Regulus he can, convincing himself of how horrible the younger Black really is, and Regulus couldn’t make him hesitate just once with his presence.

”Nothing,” Regulus replies, managing to keep his voice clear, casual. He’s quite proud of that. ”They think nothing of it.”

Sirius only frowns, his eyebrows drawing together a little.

”They don’t know,” Regulus clarifies, as he so often has done for his brother throughout the years, when Sirius is either slower than Regulus to figure something out, or when Sirius can’t read his tone or expressions.

***

Sirius’ frown deepens, he knows without needing to see himself in the mirror. _They don’t know?_

Does that mean that Regulus isn’t associated with the death eaters anymore? In that case, how? He hasn’t heard of anyone successfully handing in their resignation to Voldemort.

A sudden worry tightens his chest, and Sirius feels annoyed at himself. _Years_ , for two years he’s known that Regulus is a death eater. For two years he’s made peace with and accepted the fact that Regulus has signed his death sentence because _no one_ leaves Voldemort’s party, alive. He’s known this was coming, and here he is, feeling worried for a brother who took their parents’ side instead of his and since then has been siding with a _mass murderer._

Because Regulus is either hunted by the remaining death eaters, or the rest doesn't know and Regulus is playing a very dangerous game.

”Somehow, I find that hard to believe,” Sirius says instead, because somehow Regulus lying is a better option that the other alternative.

Regulus shrugs, taking Sirius’ insult way too easy for Sirius’ liking. _Something is more wrong than usual_ , his mind supplies and he pushes the thought to the back of his head for now.

”Would you listen to what I have to say now?” Regulus asks then, voice calm but his eyes serious.

Sirius slowly lowers his wand, at last. ”I suppose I will,” he mutters as Regulus lowers his hands, too.

”Finally,” Regulus says dramatically and Sirius can’t help but to roll his eyes.

***

”Do you know what a horcrux is?” Regulus asks, and it’s not what Sirius expected.

He’s still for a moment before he shakes his head in defeat. ”I know the word from somewhere, but I don’t think I know its meaning.”

Regulus nods once, glad that Sirius is honest. ”It’s very dark magic. It’s when you split your soul and hide a fragment of it in an object of choice to through that way attain immortality. Even though your body dies, you’re not fully dead yet because your soul is still alive.”

The disgust on Sirius’ face is a good representation of both what he looked like when he figured it out, and what he’s feeling on the inside still.

”And Voldemort has made a horcrux,” Sirius catches on, and Regulus tries not to flinch at the mention of the horrible man’s name but he can tell that Sirius notices.

Regulus nods slowly. ”He is immortal. We need to destroy the horcrux before we can kill him.”

”You want him dead?” Sirius deadpans.

”Yes,” Regulus replies shortly.

”Why? What changed your mind?” Sirius questions, eyes wide.

Regulus feels fickle hope growing in his chest, that maybe, just maybe Sirius can look at him differently, just a little. That he would be just a little less cold — Regulus wants that more than he lets himself think about.

”A lot of things,” Regulus replies vaguely. ”I don’t think I ever was so sure.”

”You practically had fan posters of him growing up,” Sirius reminds him squinting his eyes at him.

Regulus feels himself squirming a little when he thinks about it. So naive he had been. He had no idea what horrible things he would see, later in his life.

”You’re right,” Regulus admits. ”But I wasn’t sure the older I got. I mean when I was a kid, yes, but that was mostly because mum and dad liked him, you know?”

Sirius nods but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to, they both know that it isn’t an excuse because Sirius never believed them like Regulus did.

Regulus sighs, he can tell Sirius isn’t satisfied with that answer. ”The world isn’t so easy that some are born with the wrong blood and some are born with the right. I’m old and smart enough to see that now.”

”Finally,” Sirius says.

Regulus let his gaze drop to his feet as he poked at some candy wrapper on the floor with his boot. ”A few of your friends actually helped convince me,” he confesses because what has he to lose?

”Who?”

”The red-head, Lily?” Regulus tries. He’s quite sure that’s her name, but he hates being wrong so in case he is, he pretends to not know.

Sirius nods. ”Her parents are muggles.”

”Right,” Regulus says quietly. ”She was always nice to me, at Hogwarts. Well, she didn’t say that much but she didn’t tease me like you and your lot did.”

He’s thinking of a particular moment at school when he was in his third year and Sirius in his fifth. Sirius and his friends were giving Regulus a hard time, and Lily stepped in between. Maybe it was for Regulus’ sake, maybe to ruin the fun for Sirius’ lot, maybe to stop a larger fight to break out because more Slytherins were on their way over. Either way, Regulus would be lying if he denied going back to the dungeons and thought about if muggles really were that bad, as he had been taught.

”So Lily being nice to you changed your mind? There _has_ to be more,” Sirius replies. He’s clearly very skeptic.

”Yes, of course there’s more,” Regulus retorts, a little annoyed. Sirius just has to belittle the reason when Regulus actually tries to give him one. ”A lot more reasons. They tortured innocent people, killed, and—”

”And?”

”And _he_ left Kreacher for dead.”

***

”Kreacher?” Sirius questions incredulously, his voice going unnaturally high.

His brother can’t be serious, he changed his mind over the damned house elf, Sirius thinks — accidentally out loud.

”Stop it!” Regulus protests angrily. ”You always treat him like shit, which he doesn’t deserve!”

”He’s a rude house elf! You are betraying Voldemort over _a house elf?”_

Regulus flinches again at the name and Sirius thinks he’s going to have to stop doing that if he wants to seem the slightest intimidating.

”Yes,” Regulus hisses.

”Why?”

”Well, to you he’s a rude house elf, but to me he was my only friend at home!” Regulus raises his voice in a way that makes Sirius shut up.

Regulus never raises his voice. And now Sirius suddenly feels sad, imagining Regulus and Kreacher hiding in Regulus’ room when it used to be Regulus and Sirius.

Guilt flushes over him, but he quickly reminds himself that Regulus hadn’t wanted to leave home. Sirius had tried, but Regulus didn’t want to. Hadn’t taken his outstretched hand, what more could he do?

_Try again._

_Calm down, and try again._

”This is silly,” Regulus says, quieter now. ”It’s not what I came here for. Nor you.”

”But I like to hear it,” Sirius says, and he’s genuine and Regulus looks awfully surprised at his sincere tone.

Once again he feels a stab to his heart. This whole conversation is a painful reminder how wrong everything’s gone between them.

”Well, nice to hear, but I — we — don’t have time for this,” Regulus responds, his voice resolute now.

”You have somewhere to be?” Sirius asks, the softness in his voice gone now too.

”Yes?” Regulus glares at him.

Sirius instantly grows suspicious again. His mind is racing, made up images of what imagines Regulus at meetings with Voldemort looks like.

”Once again, not to meet any death eaters. I’ve left them. They just don’t know it yet,” Regulus tries to reassure him, but only reminds Sirius of the grave danger he must be in.

So he’s worried instead of angry. What is wrong with him?

He’s both surprised and annoyed over how easily Regulus can still stir up feelings in him. He thought he had gotten over his brother, but clearly not.

Regulus reaches behind himself and warning bells go off for Sirius — too many missions lately, always on edge — and he reminds himself that he has Regulus’ wand in his own back pocket. Instead he watches Regulus bring out a worn, small notebook. He holds it out to Sirius, as if he wants Sirius to take it.

Sirius just stares at it.

”This is everything I’ve found out about horcruxes,” Regulus says, reaching to book out further.

He even takes a step forward so that he can nudge Sirius’ hand with the book, desperately wanting Sirius to grasp it. He does and they almost touch. Sirius realises that the last time they hugged, shook hands, grabbed a hold of one’s arm in the corridors of Hogwarts — it must have been much more than three years ago.

”How did you even find out about this?” he asks, turning his mind away from the depressing thought.

”He has unknowingly been dropping hints. Well, not unknowingly, but he likes to brag. I just don’t think he expected anyone to figure it out,” Regulus explains, eyes still resting on the notebook, now in Sirius’ slightly larger hand.

Sirius slowly puts it into the pocket of his leather jacket.

”And you just figured it out, that it must be horcruxes?” Sirius wonders eyebrows drawing together again.

”Yeah,” Regulus shrugs.

”You’re bright aren’t you?” Sirius blurts before he can stop himself. 

He’s told Regulus this before, of course — at one point he even hoped that Regulus might end up in Ravenclaw instead of Slytherin — but the last time was many years ago. And if Regulus is right, then he just might have figured out the key to win the war.

Regulus doesn’t answer. He just looks awfully content. Sirius can’t help but to grin a little.

”I didn’t want to bring more, in case you wouldn’t come. The rest is a Grimmauld Place, unfortunately. I’m sorry,” Regulus goes on then, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

At first Sirius is surprised that there’s even more than this, and then he shivers thinking about his childhood home. But then his mind focuses on something else, the most important information that he could gather from those sentences.

”You’re acting strange,” he states, eyeing Regulus suspiciously.

He may be out of touch with his Regulus-senses — if he _ever_ was in touch with them — but his brother is behaving in a way that is starting to worry Sirius so much that he can’t deny it any longer.

”Am I?” Regulus asks innocently.

”Yes!”, Sirius exclaims, a little wildly. ”We haven’t talked for years and now suddenly you want to talk. And you keep handing me things that you seem to have spent an awful amount of time on, like you want me to take care of them or something? _Inherit them?_ Like you won’t use them anymore.”

Regulus doesn’t reply. He avoids Sirius’ gaze.

”You’re going to do something very stupid,” Sirius thinks out loud.

Regulus is quiet for a moment, before he finally meets his eyes. There’s something deep, dark and haunting in Regulus’ grey ones, identical to his own.

”You’re probably right about that,” he replies, at last.

At that, Sirius finds himself desperate and closing the distance between them in a heartbeat. He grabs Regulus’ shoulders, broader now but skinnier than his own still. He slightly ducks to continue to hold Regulus’ gaze with his own, evening out the height difference.

”What are you going to do? Tell me!” he demands and he knows he probably looks a little mad but he can’t be bothered with trying to remain calm.

”Why do you care?” Regulus asks and Sirius can tell it’s meant to sound accusing and angry but he just sounds unsure and much younger than he is.

”Because you are my brother!” he deadpans.

”I thought I wasn’t, anymore,” Regulus says carefully.

He looks a little confused and Sirius’ heart flutters in his chest.

”You are a fool to think I could completely stop caring about you, Regulus. I’m not completely cold hearted,” he rants passionately, squeezing Regulus’ shoulders tightly. To hell with not having made any physical contact in years. ”And I am a fool too for thinking that I hated you!”

Regulus looks moved. He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Then he lets his head drop down for a moment, black fringe falling into his eyes and hiding his face. Sirius brushes it away, and holds it back so that he can see his brother’s face. Regulus looks up at him through dark lashes.

”What are you going to do?” Sirius says slowly, almost growling.

_Regulus’ behaviour is of someone who doesn’t think they’ll ever come back._

”I know where one horcrux is,” Regulus says quietly, measuredly. ”And I’m going to get it, but I think there’s more. So that’s why I came here, told you about it and gave you that.” Regulus nods at the pocket of Sirius’ jacket.

”Where is it?” Sirius pushes and Regulus shakes his head.

”I won’t tell you.”

”I’m coming with,” Sirius say determinedly then, as if he hadn't heard what Regulus said. He chooses to ignore it.

”No. It’s dangerous!” Regulus protests reaching up to grab one of Sirius' forearms.

Sirius gapes, staring at him with wide eyes. _That is precisely the problem, you moron._

”Yes obviously!” Sirius blurts. ”You’re acting like you’re going to die,” he adds then, ignoring the painful twist his stomach makes when he finally says what he’s been thinking out loud.

”Kreacher will be with me,” Regulus tries and it might be assuring in Regulus’ mind but not to Sirius.

”Kreacher!?”

”Kreacher knows where it is,” his little brother explains and there’s this trust in his eyes reserved for the creature and Sirius thinks he’s royally fucked up because Regulus trusts the house elf more than his big brother. 

”That’s where Voldemort left Kreacher for dead?” Sirius asks slowly instead, the pieces clicking together.

Regulus nods, and for once he doesn’t flinch as much at Voldemort’s name. He seems too tired. Sirius swallows thickly.

”Regulus, is this what you’re doing tonight?” Dread is lacing his words as he realises that this is how Regulus is spending what he thinks are the last hours of his life.

”Yes.” Too blunt, too honest. Sirius shivers.

”Regulus please, let me come with!” Sirius loses it; there’s an all-consuming desperation, a worry and love towards his brother that’s caught him off guard since he thought he had successfully cut ties with his family. _”Please!_ I don’t want you to die. Let me help and you can help us find the rest.”

”The Order would kill me,” Regulus says lowly and it’s supposed to be matter-of-factly, but Sirius can see the glimmer of fear in his eyes.

He can only imagine what stories of the Order of Phoenix the death eaters must’ve spread throughout their own organisation. Probably horrible (and untrue) things. Torture, what not. Something bad enough to make Regulus shiver at the thought of meeting the Order.

”I wouldn’t let them!” Sirius objects without thinking for as much as a heartbeat, feeling at a loss. ”You think I would let them?”

”You don’t rule over the Order, do you?” Regulus points out and there’s a sadness lacing his words, less energetic and passionate than Sirius' tone, but they both share the sudden hopelessness.

”No, but they are _my friends,”_ Sirius replies and wonders if Regulus ever had friends that he trusted enough to understand the weight in that. ”And you just might have given us the most important key to taking him down! You’re betraying the most powerful and evil wizard of all time! Of course they wouldn’t kill you. _Merlin_ , Regulus, do you know how fucking brave you are?”

Regulus shakes his head, eyes suddenly so miserable that Sirius thinks he’s going to cry. And if Regulus doesn’t, then maybe Sirius will.

”I’ve been a coward all my life up until now.”

Sirius shakes his own head. ”No—”

”Yes,” Regulus interrupts fiercely. ”Sirius _I need to do this_. It’s the least I can do to make up for—”

”Please, Reggie,” Sirius pleads. He’s _pleading_. Sirius doesn’t ever plead, he can’t remember when he did that last.

Regulus winced at the nickname. ”No, I can’t. I’ll promise that I’ll try my best to make it out, but it’s dark, _dark_ magic, Sirius. You aren’t meant to survive that,” he tries to explain to Sirius, and it’s obvious that he really wants Sirius to _just understand_ but how can someone _just understand_ and _accept_ why their little brother needs to sacrifice himself.

Sirius just shakes his head to himself. There’s a lump in his throat now. He doesn’t know what more to say. Regulus takes the opportunity to go on.

”I’ve ordered Kreacher—”

”Reg,” Sirius chokes out. He feels numb, he can’t quite comprehend what’s actually happening.

_”Siri,”_ Regulus says back, and Sirius closes his eyes at Regulus’ version of a childhood nickname. ”I’ve ordered Kreacher to destroy the locket. But it’ll be hard, so _Sirius!”_ he speaks louder when Sirius then opens his mouth to try to interrupt, and keeps going. ”Sirius, promise me you’ll help him? I can order him to come to you if he can’t do it himself.”

”No, wait,” Sirius growls because it’s all going _way too fast_ and he just wishes he could drag this on forever and keep Regulus in this stupid train wagon forever, and maybe they could be brothers for real again — and not just start to break the ice that’s been left to grow for years before Regulus goes _away_ for forever instead.

”Sirius! Please!” Regulus is the one that’s desperate now.

His eyes are bright again, glimmering and conveying so much emotion that Sirius wonders how he ever found it hard to read Regulus. Maybe he didn’t quite let Regulus show his real feelings. Maybe Sirius doesn’t show his real feelings all that often either.

”Okay! Okay, I promise,” Sirius finds himself agreeing because Regulus is desperate and Sirius doesn’t like to see or hear Regulus being so desperate. He slowly lets his arms drop from Regulus’ shoulders, and he doesn’t know why because he instantly regrets it.

Regulus visibly relaxes and Sirius doesn’t quite like that either. ”Thank you.”

***

There’s a heavy silence that falls between them. Sirius realises what Regulus is about to do, and Regulus has to watch. It’s not fun. He hadn’t meant for this to become so emotional. He hadn’t wanted to cause Sirius this pain — maybe even more so since causing Sirius pain causes him pain, he realises — and he doesn’t know what he thought with when he thought this would go smoothly but it seems like Sirius hadn’t expecting this to be so tragic either.

Regulus realises that it is actually happening at last. He can’t chicken out, not after coming here and causing this dramatic scene. He’s promised himself that he would do this. Make his existence worth something. To make sure that he doesn’t leave a solely bad legacy behind, to make sure that there is something good to remember him by and if it’s only Sirius who knows, then so be it. But at least someone _knows_.

Both of them realising how much they actually care about each other. All they needed was a safe space, away from all other distractions and people elevating the tension between them. Regulus feels very dumb.

But such is life, right? You make stupid mistakes and regret them later but it’s part of it and you can’t have everything. It would be far too easy.

Regulus then looks at his wrist watch. It’s a lot more than he anticipated. ”I should go.”

Sirius reaches out and grabs his arm. _”Please.”_

”You can’t change my mind,” Regulus begins trying to keep his voice levelled as he speaks to his brother that looks absolutely crushed, like a sad puppy. ”Sirius, this is war. People die. I know you’ve lost friends. I might go too, but what does that matter in the long run? If this might help stop this bloody war, then I must do it.”

Sirius stares at him for a long while. Regulus’ heart hammers in his chest, as he’s unsure of what he’s about to do. He might hex him, he minds supplies. Regulus had actually mentally prepared for the fact that Sirius might hex him when they first met, out of anger and hatred. But now he more scared that Sirius’ll hex him out of pure despair and wanting for him to stay put.

But then Sirius reaches out and grabs his shoulders again, forcefully pulling him into a hug, a tight one. Regulus rests the side of his face on Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius rests his chin on the back of Regulus’ neck.

”I’m sorry Reggie. I know I fucked up and that I’ve been unsympathetic and not understanding and distanced, but please just wait a day. I’m sure I can help you, I’ve learnt quite a lot since joining the Order, you know? You’ll probably still be smarter, I’m sure, but I can help in _some_ way,” Sirius monologues, trying to convince him. ”We can do this together, instead.”

Regulus feels like absolute shite because he pretends to listen, as he slips his wand out of Sirius’ back pocket when Sirius is distracted.

The hug goes on for long. Sirius doesn’t want to let go, and while Regulus knows he should go, he doesn’t want Sirius to let him go either. Like this, he can almost imagine that all the things that went wrong between them, didn’t happen.

Eventually Sirius does let him go though, and steps back and they look at each other a little awkwardly. Two Black boys, both dressed in dark clothes from head to toe, matching their raven black hair. Both of them had kept so much anger inside of them, raised in a household where feelings was a weakness. Both of them had tried to convinced themselves that they hated the other because it was easier that way and they’d been fighting on opposite sides of a war up until tonight and now… now, this is the end.

Regulus is happy that he decided that he _was_ going to see Sirius one last time, and happy that Sirius came.

And now he’s about to betray him one last time, because that’s what he does, right?

”I’m sorry,” he says and he has time to see fear flicker through Sirius’ eyes before he raises his wand and apparates away.

***

And Sirius is standing alone in an empty train wagon a late summer night and it’s quiet except for his heartbeat that seems to be pulsating in his ears.

Upon realising what’s happened Sirius wants to scream but quickly does a tracking spell before apparating after his little brother.

He ends up at Grimmauld Place, in the small — quite dead — garden outside of the tall, black front door. The busy traffic of London can be heard in the distance.

_Sirius lies in his bed, muscles sore from his mother’s hexes. The door to his room creaks and a streak of light stretches into the room, hitting his bed. Sirius doesn’t move but squeezes his eyes together. But it isn’t mother nor father, he can tell by the soft footsteps over the floorboards, and suddenly Regulus is climbing onto his bed, wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius as he lies down next to him, snivelling. In his chest, Sirius’ heart lurches and he hugs his little brother back, tightly._

There’s no sign of Regulus. But as they already concluded; Regulus is not dumb and he’s probably already apparated away to another place, so Sirius tracks him again and while the trace isn’t as strong, he tries, because he has to.

He ends up on the lawn of their large summer house. Well, mansion — they are the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black after all. In front of him is a familiar lake lying so still that the traces of the sunset are mirrored in the surface. A lone crow flies over the sky, croaking.

_They’re sitting by the lake at night and Regulus is laughing so hard his pale face turns rosy and his grey eyes are tearing up. Sirius grins proudly as he watches his brother, a warmth spreading in his chest knowing that it was he that made Regulus crack up in this way — without knowing that he’ll never see his brother laugh like this again._

Memories hit him like a punch in the gut, but he looks for Regulus’ magic again he takes his shot and pray to anything that will listen that he catches up to his brother, because he’s starting to feel really dizzy and there’s less and less traces of Reggie left.

Then he’s in Hogsmeade, and trying not to throw up.

It’s quiet and still here too, except for Sirius’ memories.

_Sirius is with James, Peter and Remus in Honeydukes when he spots Regulus over the shelves. It takes a second before Regulus feels that someone is watching him, and their eyes meet and they stare at each other for a moment. Regulus’ eyes then darts to Sirius’ friends and a split second later he whirls around, and exits the shop. Sirius finds himself following, but when he exits himself, Regulus has disappeared into the crowd of Hogwarts students. There’s an uncomfortable lump lingering in his stomach after the encounter and Sirius wonders if he’s taken it too far, because Regulus is running from him these days. He probably has, but Regulus is at fault too._

He apparates again, wanting to leave the almost eerie village now that it’s empty and dark.

Then he’s in some field somewhere and he doesn’t have any memories here. It’s probably an important place for Regulus, since the rest were, but here Sirius probably already had stopped talking to Regulus.

He throws up, heaving until his body shivers, knees weak. It’s not just all motion sickness.

He knows his brother is going to sacrifice himself tonight and he just lost track of him.

And he can’t stop himself, but screams until his throat is raw.

Stupid, bloody war. Stupid, bloody Voldemort.

Idiot brother.

And Sirius is an idiot too.

Slowly, he stands up — _when did he drop to his knees?_ — his jeans and Dr Martens all muddy. He apparates home, back to his flat.

Remus is there, and he must look mad because within a second he knows something is wrong.

”What’s happened?” he asks softly and Sirius wants to throw his arms around him, but he can’t move.

”I met Regulus,” he begins and when he sees the looks of fear and worry that crosses Remus’ face he feels a sting of guilt for speaking so badly of his brother. But he is a death eater. _Was_.

”Are you okay?” Remus worries and steps closer.

”I’m not injured,” Sirius replies because to say that he was okay would be a lie. That Regulus hadn’t hurt him would also be a lie, because Sirius is sure his heart isn’t in one piece anymore.

Instead he brings out the notebook from the pocket of his leather jacket. Remus’ hazel eyes follow his movements.

”Reggie, he’s found out that Voldemort has created horcruxes, to split his soul. He’s immortal,” Sirius explains with a wavering voice, which wasn’t like him at all as he’s usually quite loud.

”Bloody hell,” Remus breathes, horror painting his features.

”And he’s found one. He’s going to fetch it tonight Remus, and I wanted to come with and he wouldn’t let me and then he left and I tried to follow but I lost him. He didn’t think he would come out alive and he thinks he needs to redeem himself and that his life isn’t worth much more and I bloody _lost him.”_ Sirius doesn’t know if he’s about to explode with anger or break out sobbing but it feels like the whole of him is trembling.

”Alright, fuck…” Remus mutters and closes the distance between them, walking up to Sirius where he miserably stands on the doormat. ”All right, okay, Sirius… we’re going to look for him. I’ll call for James and Lily and Wormtail and we’ll find him, okay?” He places one hand on Sirius’ shoulder and the other on the back of his neck and Sirius appreciates the comfort even more than he thought.

He nods, his eyes stinging now but he tries to blink it away.

***

Two weeks later, Kreacher appears in Sirius’ flat, tears on his troll-like face and Sirius knows what it means, because part of him already knew.

He still darts out of his own living room, fleeing from the new reality that awaits him.

Both Remus and James are in the flat too, and fall into a suffocating silence when they see the house elf, knowing too what it means even though the two of them never met Kreacher, per se.

When he returns, fifteen minutes later — after he’s screamed, thrown up again and then stared into the wall for a few moments, tears rolling down his cheeks — he goes to meet Kreacher, properly.

He has a locket in one hand and in the other, a note. He understands that the locket is the horcrux and although it is a hard choice because he dreads the note too, he doesn’t want to touch the bloody thing, and takes the letter instead. Meanwhile James reaches out for the locket and brings it over to Remus. No one has still said a word, and Sirius feels all eyes on him as he unfolds the damned piece of parchment.

His own eyes burns and has to blink every second to actually be able to read through the tears.

_I’m sorry, Sirius. I had to do this myself._

_Thank you for listening to me._

_I’m sorry I was a bad brother. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you. Maybe I can make up for it if we meet in some sort of an afterlife, if there is one._

_If you read this, then Kreacher must’ve given you the locket. I know it’s unfair to put this on you and I should’ve thought it through better — but please, you have to destroy it. I gave my life for that bloody thing._

_I really hope it was worth it. But if one less person dies because of me, then it was, wasn’t it?_

_Thank you for helping me with this. Thank you for everything, Sirius._

_Your brother, Regulus._

***

Hours later, Sirius stands in front of the window, looking down at the street beneath him and the silhouettes of London. There's a hand on his shoulder, and he looks over to meet Remus' warm hazel eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Sirius," he says gently. He sounds a little emotional too. 

Sirius turns his grey eyes back to the view outside of the glass. He shrugs.

"He was a death eater."

Because Sirius feels dumb for feeling so empty. He knows he shouldn't. Regulus had been working with Voldemort. Who knows if he killed someone, tortured people? Surely, he has to have done that, if he was a death eater?

But he also grieves the small boy in the large 12 Grimmauld Place with fear in his grey eyes as he hid in Sirius' room. The boy who tried to look brave and proud as he walked over to the Slytherin table, too scared to meet Sirius' eyes. The one only Sirius could make laugh like a maniac. The one that was too soft, soft enough to believe their parents. The one who tried to please everyone and live up to impossible expectations.

"Sure he was," James speaks up from behind, his voice getting louder as he walks closer to come and stand by Sirius' other side. His tone is solemn, like he's about to hold a speech, a certain passion behind his words. "But he also might have won us the bloody war! We know he did bad stuff, but certainly the amount of lives he might have saved will make up for it."

Sirius looks over at the closest thing he has to a brother now, unsure if James is just saying this to try and make Sirius feel better. At school they hated Slytherins. After school they hate death eaters. Regulus had been both of those things.

But there's a certain brightness in James' eyes that makes Sirius believe that James actually means what he says. 

James reaches up and squeezes Sirius' free shoulder tightly, before giving him a pat on the back.

"Padfoot, your brother is a hero," James says and whether or not that is excessive (they don't yet know if Regulus had been right), there's an excitement, almost, in his voice. Like he's proud in Sirius' place until Sirius realises it himself, and Sirius does appreciate that. "Slytherin's unsung hero."

Remus rubs his back. Sirius can't help but to smile, but when he does a sob also slips out. Tears escape is eyes and roll heavily down his cheeks as he grins. 

  
"Yeah, you're right," he says quietly and James nods. "I can't believe he actually did it."

**Author's Note:**

> Know what song the title is from? I know it's quite generic but I can hear it being sung every time I read it
> 
> Also, you can find me on Tumblr @dreamin-of-somewhere-else where you can talk to me if you want and also find exclusive 10/10 fanfiction from 2016, when I was 16.


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